Title: Realization 2

Author: Unknown

Email: Pics1020@yahoo.com

Summary: Engagement Party, Mac's POV

Category: Angst

You know, it was wonderful of the Admiral to have an engagement party for Mic

and I. I was thrilled that he had offered to do so, but he really did not have

to.

It's not that I am not happy or excited that Mic and I are going to get married,

that's not it at all...right?

I don't know, it just seems like everything has to do with this wedding, is

Mic's idea, his thoughts, his...everything. He won't listen to me, won't

compromise on anything. In a childish way, it's not fair, its my wedding too. I

guess anyway, sometimes it doesn't seem like it at all.

You must be sitting there saying 'She's not happy at all. If she were then she

would be helping plan the wedding, she would be more...I don't know excited about

the whole thing.'

'Compromise' that's a funny word. Do you think I am compromising?

As I stand here, and 'mingle' if that's what you want to call it, I watch Mic,

there is something about him, something about him, that is different. Well

different to all the normal men out there.

In all my past relationships, the men have controlled what I do, what decisions

I made, and so forth, and as I stand here at my own engagement party, in my

boss' home, I realize that he is the same way.

Controlling, arrogant, egotistic and so many other colorful words I could add,

but I think you get the picture.

I am compromising.

Why, I have no clue. I shouldn't have to...right?

Mic is laughing at something the Admiral has said to him, I am not sure I want

to know either. Great he is looking at me, I have to get out of here or at least

move and talk to someone else.

Where is Harriet anyway?

As I scan the room, I can't find the one person who I know was here when I came

in. Harm.

That name just opens up a whole new can of worms.

Harm.

I know he does not like Mic at all, just by the nickname he has given him. He

actually thinks I don't know about that. Typical Harm.

I know he thinks that this is what I really want, I want marriage, I want kids,

I want it all, but I have this certain feeling, deep in my gut that says it's

not with Mic. With who, I don't know. But if I went through with this, I'd be

compromising, like I said before.

Things have been strained between Harm and I lately. I want to fix things

between us, but I am unsure of how to do that. I heard things around the office

about him and Renee. Well actually it was Renee that was doing all the talking.

I wasn't listening, I swear, but Harriet, is not the quietest person in the

world sometimes. Anyway Renee said something about Harm telling her that he

wanted her in his life.

That hurt. I mean he has never said that to me, and we have been best friends

for how many years now? It hurt to find out that you weren't wanted in someone's

life, especially someone you thought was your best friend, someone that knew

everything about you. Someone you thought you had feelings for, real feelings.

I guess I am still hurt by that.

We keep hurting each other I guess. How does that saying go? 'Its easy to hurt

the ones you love.' Well its true in some aspects, Mic is doing it to me, and

Harm is doing it to me.

So where does that leave me?

Alone, as always.

In retrospect though, I guess I hurt him too. I mean after Sydney, what did I

do? Run to the first guy who showed interest.

At this moment I am staring outside the living room window, obvious to everyone

around me.

I know Harm is ignoring me; Mic really couldn't care less where I am at this

moment. Harm once said to me, when we were in the middle of another argument I

might add, that all Mic wanted me for was to show off. He said 'Mac, can't you

see all he is interested in is showing you off. You are a beautiful woman, Mac,

that's all he is interested in.

Deep down, I knew he was right. Mic never listened to anything I had to say,

never took in my ideas and thought about them. I was just a woman to him.

Why does this happen to me? What did I do so wrong in my life?

Bud is looking my way, with that look on his face. Oh no.

Oh no, he's coming this way. What should I do now?

"Ma'am" He replies as he nears me.

"Yes Bud."

"Well, Ma'am, I was just wondering..."

"What is it Bud?"

"You seem...well unhappy tonight, is something wrong?"

"No Bud, I am okay."

"You sure Ma'am?"

"Yes Bud."

"Okay then, well have you seen the Commander?"

"No I haven't Bud, why?"

"Just curious Ma'am."

"Alright Bud." With that he turned to walk away.

"Colonel?"

"Yes?"

"If you aren't happy Ma'am, then don't go through with it."

I just nod and smile. I don't know what else to say right now. I know its true,

if I am not happy; I have to end this, its unfair to Mic and myself.

I notice Bud moving towards the kitchen and wonder why he is going in there, I

mean the Admiral did go all out and hire a catering company, so why?

Harm must be in there.

I haven't seen him all night. He is avoiding me, I know this much. I wish he

wasn't though; I need my best friend right now.

Right now, when my world is upside down, when it seems like I have no one, in a

room full of people.

I want Harm, and I can't find him.

Sleepless nights and endless days

And all I do is promise to change my ways

Leave the lights on, you know I'll pretend you're on you're way

You used to say that there's a time we all deserve to lose our minds

So I lost my mind now I'm ready to find my way

I sigh as I look back out the window and try to make myself as invisible as I

can, when I hear soft music coming from somewhere in the house.

Sleepless night and endless days, that is about all I have these days. I find

myself not sleeping at night and just watching the night roll by. And during the

endless days, all we do is fight. I don't want that any more. I promise to

change my ways, please if you will just let me or notice me.

At night, I leave the living room light on for you. Hoping that somehow you will

know, I am waiting for you, that you will return to me.

Back in Sydney, I wanted you to let go, told you to in a way. But now, I

understand that you were not ready to 'let go'. That's not you Harm, I

understand that now. The you, I know, only let's go when you are ready, when

everything is in place.

Are you ready to find your way Harm? I am ready for you, I have been.

I don't know if I'm gonna have to redesign my mind

But tonight I made a wish and I sure hope that it comes true

Cause it's been too long without you

It's been too long

Redesign my mind? I have done that so many times for others, I know with you, it

will not be that way. You love me for who I am, not who you want me to be.

I am wishing, I wish upon that star up there looking over me. I wish for

happiness, love...a family. Please...

It has been so long without you. We never do things together anymore, we never

just sit and eat dinner, talk; see a movie...what happened to those days? I miss

you so much.

It has been way to long. I need you.

And even if I left it all behind

There'd be reason to come back

And even though I left you far behind

I always thought that you'd come here to find me

Come find me

Do you know how many times I have thought about leaving here, just packing it

all up and leaving everything? I know you would be hurt, angry and even mad at

me. I also know you would not let anything stop you from looking for me.

But you know, if I did leave, put you through all that emotion, I would still

come back to you. No matter what. I know deep in my heart that I know I would

have you to come back to.

I know you would come find me. I know you wouldn't stop till you did.

Please Harm come find me.

I have to talk to you Harm, where are you? Please...

I am nearly in tears right now, and I know everyone is looking at me. I know,

that they know. Mic even has a face of defeat.

Help me.

I don't know if I can wait this long

To be what I used to be

And I don't think I can wait much longer

For the tide to come back to me

Come back to me

I can't wait any longer Harm, for everything to be like it used to be between

us. I need you, I need us.

I can't wait for you to make your move.

Come back to me Harm.

I make my way to the kitchen, ignoring all the stares I receive from everyone. I

don't care anymore.

As I open the door and step in, I see you outside on the porch. Its cold outside

Harm, what are you doing?

I don't think you heard me as I opened the door and stepped out, but you did

hear me close the door, because you turned around and faced me.

My god Harm, you look in as much pain as I do, at this moment. What happened to

us? How did we get this way?

I am willing to fix this, I need to.

I see you step closer to me and say 'You came back to me'. I can't hold it in

any longer, I cry.

I am sorry, that was the most beautiful thing anyone has ever said to me.

"Oh course I cam back to you. I wouldn't be anyplace else." I say and complete

the embrace and we don't let go.

I came back for us.