Title: Realization

Author: Unknown

Email: Pics1020@yahoo.com

Category: Angst, Harm's POV

Spoilers: Engagement Party

You know I never thought this would end like this. I am actually sitting here in

the Admiral's kitchen, during your engagement party. All our friends are out

there, you are out there laughing, having a good time, and I am in here hiding.

I am sorry Mac, but I can't do this, I thought I could. I think the Admiral

caught on to my hesitancy at work the other day too, because he made it an order

to come here tonight.

Why is this happening? It wasn't supposed to be this way.

We were supposed to be together, even if not that way, we were supposed to be

together Mac, best friends, and if possible more. But now, everything is ending.

I am losing my best friend.

You said it wouldn't change, Mac. You said that, but I can see it changing now.

I see the way Mic looks at me; he doesn't like me at all. And the feeling I must

say is mutual.

I am losing my best friend, my...I don't know, I am losing you.

Sleepless nights and endless days

And all I do is promise to change my ways

Leave the lights on, you know I'll pretend you're on you're way

You used to say that there's a time we all deserve to lose our minds

So I lost my mind now I'm ready to find my way

So here I sit, hiding from everyone, because I can't face reality.

Its true, the song, that's playing. I have had so many sleepless night and

endless days. Many nights watching the outside world from my bedroom window,

waiting; for what I don't know, maybe you.

But I know you won't come anymore.

I have told myself that I would change my ways, lord knows I have tried. I

really have Mac, but we are never close enough anymore for either one of us to

notice.

The lights are on Mac, are you even looking? They are always on for you, I hope

you know that.

Back in Sydney, you asked me to let go. I couldn't back then, I hope you realize

that. There was so much going on in my life at that moment, and you, Brumby,

well I just did not know how to deal with it all, and I shut down.

We dealt with nine months of, I don't know what you want to call it, but for

some reason you just couldn't set a date for your wedding. I thought that if you

loved someone enough, and when they asked you to marry them, that you would set

a date as soon as possible. So why has it taken you so long just to move that

ring, Mac?

I was so lost back then, but I found myself. I just hope that there are some

last strings of hope, that you can find your way back to me.

I miss you Mac, I miss you so much.

So here I sit in the Admiral's kitchen, alone, drinking my solitary beer.

Great, I think I need some air.

It's a bit chilly out here in the night, but it's worth it. Maybe it will

help...right?

I can still hear the soft music flow from the small radio in the kitchen. Who is

this anyway?

I don't know if I'm gonna have to redesign my mind

But tonight I made a wish and I sure hope that it comes true

Cause it's been too long without you

It's been too long

At this moment, here at your engagement party, I am not sure about anything

anymore. But can I ask, why should I even bother with changing, with doing

anything anymore? The effort, grant it, it may not of been my best, but when it

comes to you, Mac; I thought Mic made you happy, why should I step in and break

that down for you?

So I ask, why should I bother to put back together the friendship we lost so

long ago? Why should I try to be happy, when I am not? Why should I care? That

answer is simple, because with everything that has happened, I still care.

You know I didn't know the Admiral had a deck back here. The scenery is

beautiful, over looking the lake below. I wish you were here to share this with

me. But your not, and from the looks at things, you never will be.

So here, tonight, I wish on the stars above, that somehow, someway, you will

make your way back to me. God how I hope it comes true, because I don't know how

to deal with any of this, if it doesn't.

Because it's been to long without you Mac, without our friendship,

without...everything we have ever shared.

It's been way to long.

Man it feels like the temperature has dropped ten degrees in the last half an

hour. It's supposed to be spring right?

Then again maybe it's just my mood, or the atmosphere here tonight. I am not

sure.

I can hear Mic laughing inside, followed by others. I am wondering what is

actually happening in there right now. I am not going in though; I don't feel

like swallowing my pride tonight.

And even if I left it all behind

There'd be reason to come back

And even though I left you far behind

I always thought that you'd come here to find me

Come find me

You know, even if tonight was the end, the end of everything we ever had, and I

tried to leave it all behind, there would still be a reason for me to come back.

I can't leave you Mac, I never will be able to in my life. And I think that's

what hurts the most, because you find it so easy to leave me, leave everything

we had behind.

I know I left you behind in Sydney, and then when we returned, but I always

thought, you being the jarhead I know and love, you would find your way back to

me.

Are we both to stubborn to acknowledge what we feel, what we need?

Please come find me Mac.

If you honestly think that Mic is going to let you have the same friendship with

me, that we used to, you are wrong. Do you even see how he looks at me, how he

treats me. Or how he treats you for that matter, Mac.

You deserve more, so much more. You are beautiful, strong, loving, caring,

respectful, and so much more Mac. You deserve someone who will take that all in

and love you the way you deserve to be.

And no I am not saying that because I want you for myself, I am saying that

because I don't know if I can do that.

I can hear your voice in my head, telling me not to put myself down like that,

to believe in myself.

I am trying Mac, but I can't.

Oh no, I hear someone asking where I went too. It sounds like Bud.

"Sir" I hear as the door opens and he walks out.

"Bud... what can I do for you?"

"We were just wondering where you went Sir." He paused; I can tell he's nervous

about something. "Is there something wrong?"

I wanted to scream, 'yes there is something wrong bud, you have to help me.' But

I didn't. "No Bud, everything is fine."

He knows I am lying, I know he does because he is still standing behind me.

"Aren't you having a good time, Sir? You have been out here a long time."

"I am having a wonderful time Bud."

"Sir...permission to speak freely?"

Why does he always have to be so formal?

'Yes Bud."

"Does this have anything to do with the Colonel?"

"Why would you think that Bud?"

"I don't know Sir, maybe because you have been hiding eve since she arrived."

"I just needed some air."

"Commander, she ahs been asking for you."

I didn't have to respond, Bud was gone.

Why was Mac asking for me? Why would she need me? She has her friends, and Mic.

How could we forget Mic?

Where do I fall into this picture?

I don't think I do.

So I stay here, outside in the chilly night air.

I don't know if I can wait this long

To be what I used to be

And I don't think I can wait much longer

For the tide to come back to me

Come back to me

I don't think I can stay here much longer, I don't know if I can wait much

longer then I already have.

Please Mac, it is your move, the ball is in your court. I can't do anything

else.

All I want is for what we used to have, I have to admit I want more, I would

settle for our friendship.

I don't think I can wait Mac. If we can't have that, then why I am even here?

When is the tide going to come back for me? Why do I feel so left out?

Please come back for me.

Come home

Today

To stay

The way you wished I would

And I swear

To stay

The way I wish you would

Okay so this is not how I thought this night would end. Actually I had no idea

how it would end, but this wasn't it. By now, everything probably thinks I left

and went home without even a goodbye.

Good.

Can I ask? Why me?

I have my head in my hands now, looking down at my shoes. I once told Mac, that

men cry in battle, you just don't see them. Well its true, I can feel my own

welling up in my own eyes.

She isn't coming for me.

I am left out in the cold, alone. Forever.

I wish things were different, I wish you were here with me in my arms.

God, what I am going to do now?

I miss you so much.

I stand here in the last moments of silence before I go home. I can't do this

anymore.

As I take a look out into the night before me and take in a deep breath and

close my eyes. That's when I hear footsteps, her footsteps.

"Harm?" She calls softly. I can feel her; she is so close to me now.

"Yeah?" I know my voice is cracking, I can't help it.

"What's wrong? What's going on?" She questions, her voice a whisper as I feel

her hand on my back.

Should I turn around? Should I not?

When I don't answer her continues, "Harm...please..." her voice is now the one on

the edge and I slowly turn around to face her.

God she is beautiful.

"You came back for me." Was all I said before she was in my arms.

The End?

Send feedback if you want me to continue. Pics1020@yahoo.com

Title: Realization 2

Author: Unknown

Email: Pics1020@yahoo.com

Summary: Engagement Party, Mac's POV

Category: Angst

You know, it was wonderful of the Admiral to have an engagement party for Mic

and I. I was thrilled that he had offered to do so, but he really did not have

to.

It's not that I am not happy or excited that Mic and I are going to get married,

that's not it at all...right?

I don't know, it just seems like everything has to do with this wedding, is

Mic's idea, his thoughts, his...everything. He won't listen to me, won't

compromise on anything. In a childish way, it's not fair, its my wedding too. I

guess anyway, sometimes it doesn't seem like it at all.

You must be sitting there saying 'She's not happy at all. If she were then she

would be helping plan the wedding, she would be more...I don't know excited about

the whole thing.'

'Compromise' that's a funny word. Do you think I am compromising?

As I stand here, and 'mingle' if that's what you want to call it, I watch Mic,

there is something about him, something about him, that is different. Well

different to all the normal men out there.

In all my past relationships, the men have controlled what I do, what decisions

I made, and so forth, and as I stand here at my own engagement party, in my

boss' home, I realize that he is the same way.

Controlling, arrogant, egotistic and so many other colorful words I could add,

but I think you get the picture.

I am compromising.

Why, I have no clue. I shouldn't have to...right?

Mic is laughing at something the Admiral has said to him, I am not sure I want

to know either. Great he is looking at me, I have to get out of here or at least

move and talk to someone else.

Where is Harriet anyway?

As I scan the room, I can't find the one person who I know was here when I came

in. Harm.

That name just opens up a whole new can of worms.

Harm.

I know he does not like Mic at all, just by the nickname he has given him. He

actually thinks I don't know about that. Typical Harm.

I know he thinks that this is what I really want, I want marriage, I want kids,

I want it all, but I have this certain feeling, deep in my gut that says it's

not with Mic. With who, I don't know. But if I went through with this, I'd be

compromising; like I said before.