I Will Remember You

By: Kris

Rating: PG

Category: Angst, Mac's POV

Author's Notes: Please take into mind that I have not seen the episode

'Good-byes' from season 3 yet. Mic is here but they are not engaged, Harm

is...well around LOL.. Don't worry 8-) just read. On another note, I switched a

few things, so if it doesn't follow a few episodes, don't shoot me.

Special Thanks to everyone who helped me with this! You know who you are J

<hugs>

********

I want to note first (so I remember later, if go back and reread this later)

that Harm did leave, I am just replaying different memories, flashbacks if you

may.

I never knew that one person could make such a difference in my life. It's been

a while since Commander Rabb left for flight duty. I was upset, I had...have every

right to be. But there is something else, something...

When I first got assigned here, to JAG that is, I started keeping these journals

of sorts. So much happened in my life when I moved to Jag.

During most of my life, things, people, came and went. Nothing really stuck with

me. My mom left, my father well, if you could call him that abandoned me for the

sweet taste of alcohol when I was young enough for it to make a difference in my

life.

So where was I left?

Nowhere. Alone.

I spent most of my teenage life trying to make myself better, trying my hardest

to rebel against everyone, trying to find myself.

Every time I thought I found myself, I kept slipping back even further when

things crumbled from underneath me.

Am I ever going to find myself? Find someone?

Alone.

I need some music. It always makes me feel better, clearer.

Listen as the wind blows

from across the great divide

Voices trapped in yearning

memories trapped in time

The great divide... I think that describes me, I sometimes feel like I am the only

one, alone in this vast world. Sometimes it's like I am trapped within myself,

like I am screaming inside myself, trying to get the attention of anyone, anyone

who is around me. Screaming 'hey I am over here, please... don't leave me alone.'

It's true really all my memories all my fantasies of what was or what might be,

are all trapped. Will they ever be free? Will I?

The night is my companion

and solitude my guide

Would I spend forever here

and not be satisfied

Why do I find that the night is my companion? With all my 'friends' my

co-workers, why do I find myself so lonely? I spend long nights at work, going

over some deposition, finishing up some paperwork that could always wait till

the next day.

Night. Cold. Empty.

When I joined the Marines, I did so for several reasons. I wanted to prove to

the world, that I could do this! I wanted to be apart of the bigger picture. And

I am, I know I am doing what I was born to do. The Marines are my life; I can't

imagine myself doing anything different. But there is always that question

bouncing around in the make of my brain saying 'Isn't there more than just

this?'

Through this world I've stumbled

so many times betrayed,

Trying to find an honest word,

to find the truth enslaved,

Oh how that is true. I do, and I have stumbled through life, and betrayed. Well

once to many times for just one person. I don't know but it must be tattooed

somewhere 'betray me' or 'treat me like dirt'. It has been one person after

another, mom, dad, and whoever else came down the line.

As I sit her in my dark apartment, a cold rain washing over the outside world; I

sit here wallowing. Well not wallowing, but I AM depressed. This is my life,

whatever that may be.

I am alone and I fear it will be forever.

I might as well get to the point of all this self destruction, well not exactly

self destruction, but the cause of how this mood of mine developed.

Things at work have been well kind of weird lately. Mic had come back to the

states recently, and showering me with all this affection, gifts and whatever

else this mind thought I would like. He was wrong, and it is really getting

quite annoying. Does this man understand the word 'no'?

Harriet and Bud are ecstatic about baby AJ still. Not that I blame them, he is a

very handsome little baby.

Harm is well, I don't know how to explain it. He's been distant lately, almost

to distant. The Admiral hasn't been partnering us lately, I wonder if Harm said

something to him...I'll have to ask him.

Personally I think Mic plays a part in how Harm is feeling, reacting, whatever.

And I think Harm is a little jealous, not that he would ever admit to it though.

Mic thinks he can buy his way into a woman's heart, shower her with expensive

flowers and gifts, and Harm doesn't. He believes that friendship and all the

good old fashioned ways are the real way to win a heart. And he is right, he won

mine a long time ago, if that's how it is supposed to be done.

We are best friends, we do almost everything together, as for wanting it to go

further, I don't know the answer to that. I feel that if he were gone from my

life, part of me would be gone to. I would not be the same person, not that I

would want it any other way. I love him, but do I really, really love him, well I

don't know if there is such a thing or not, love is love right?

After baby AJ's birth we made a promise to each other that if neither one of us

were involved in five years we would have a child together, fifty-fifty. The

thought blew me away, a mother. WOW... but the one thing that didn't throw me for

a loop was having a child with him. For some reason it felt right.

Look at me, we haven't so much as dated or anything, we are best friends.

Amusing isn't it?

Everything went down hill after that. I don't know when Harm made his decision,

I mean he's a grown man, he's single, doesn't have anyone to worry about, but as

his best friend, I would of liked him to talk to me first.

I am alone, again.

Alone forever.

That one sunny afternoon I was sitting in my office, doing something when Harm

came in. He said he had to talk to me after lunch, alone. So I guessed this was

it.

I couldn't believe it, he said he was leaving to go back to flying. He was

leaving me, leaving Jag. I tried to talk him out of it, my eyes shining with

tears. God this hurt, and it still does.

It felt like he was giving up on us, on our friendship. God I miss him already.

Even though he said it had nothing to do with me, with us, I am positive it had

something to do with it.

I have lost him. I think it hurt more that he didn't feel like he could come to

me and tell me, that he thought I wouldn't understand. It looked like he gave

up on me long before this time.

I would have been there for him, I would have been upset, but we could of dealt

with it together.

Now I am alone again, my best friend, hell my only real friend left me for

something else.

Alone.

I cried that day, hell that whole night. I tried to hold on to him when he

embraced me, I didn't want to let go, if I only held on tighter.

Into this night I wander,

it's morning that I dread,

Another day of knowing of

the path I fear to tread,

Oh into the sea of waking dreams

I follow without pride,

Nothing stands between us here

and I won't be denied,

I am dreading tomorrow morning, I have this urge to call in sick. You know this

song is eerily following my life here and I am not sure if that's a good thing

or not.

It is true though everything I have done, the way I carry myself these days,

it's just different. I still have that same old marine look about me, but

something is missing. Some of my pride, I think is what it is.

And here in my own apartment, in my dreams, we can be the way we were and it

can't be denied.

Is it bad that I miss my best friend like crazy? Mind you that don't mean I am

not hurt and mad as hell though, I can tell you that much.

I know that day I was crying in front of him, I couldn't help it. And the look

on his face when he realized that he was hurting me, I will always remember that

look on his face. It felt like he finally knew what he was doing to me, to us.

But he left anyway and left me with this hole in my heart the size of Russia.

And I am alone.

You know I haven't heard from him, not one email or anything since he left. I

know that be probably is just getting settled in but I at least should have

received something that said 'arrived safely, I just wanted to let you know, ill

write more later.' But no I received nothing, I keep trying to say to myself

that he will write, he will, but I am not so sure.

I'm so tired

But I can't sleep

Standing on the edge

of something much too deep

Funny how I feel so much

But cannot say a word

We are screaming inside

Oh...but we can't be heard

Oh great another song, is this two for Tuesday?

I am tired, I am tired of all this stuff between us, between everyone. I mean

why can't everyone just come right out and say what they need to or do what they

need to.

You know it just dawned on me the only one out of all of us who is doing exactly

that is Mic, as annoying as it is.

Enough about Mic.

Harm what happened to us? I miss you.

Okay I am crying again, what is going to happen now?

I will remember you

Will you remember me?

Don't let your life pass you by

Weep not for the memories

Will you remember me Harm? Because I will never forget you.