Title: Good-Byes

Author: Anna B.

Email: annab@triton.net

Rating: G

Season/Sequel: Season 4

Spoilers: Divide & Conquer

Summary: SG1 says good-bye to Martouf

Disclaimer: These characters belong to MGM/Showtime/Double Secret & Geeko not me. No infringement is intended.

 

Samantha Carter closed the door of her quarters behind her. She thought briefly about leaving the base and going home; General Hammond had given her three days leave. But it was late and she wasn't sure she should be driving. She swiped at the tears that started rolling down her cheeks. Damn it, she thought, I thought I had better control than this.

She'd held Martouf in her arms until Janet had finally convinced her to let him go. She barely remembered leaving the gate room. As she'd left, she remembered looking into Jack's eyes and seeing her grief reflected there. Teal'c had escorted her to the infirmary where Janet had taken Martouf's body and stood outside the door as she had watched Janet prepare him for the trip back to Vorash. Then Janet had left her alone with him.

 

She smoothed his hair from his forehead. "Good-bye Martouf," she whispered. Sam blinked as the tears she had been holding back tumbled down her face. "You shouldn't have had to die. You should have lived a long, long time." She covered his lifeless hand with her own.

He's cold, she thought. He always had such warm hands. "My mom always said warm hands, warm heart." Sam rubbed his hand. "You had a warm heart Martouf. A warm kind heart. I wish I could have loved you the way you wanted me to."

"But you knew, didn't you? You knew before we even knew; he told me you know, just before--before you died. He didn't say it that way, he wouldn't, but I know. And you know what Martouf? It's worse knowing."

She wiped her eyes. "It's stupid really. I knew I loved him all along. But it was easier to push my feelings aside before I knew that he felt the same way about me."

She closed her eyes and sighed. "It's not fair, you know. You loved Jolinar and she loved you. But you never let that sway you did you? You sent her into some very dangerous situations even though you loved her. I know it wasn't easy for you. Selmak told me that.

I know it wasn't easy for you when I showed up either. You thought she would come back to you as she always had. And I'm sure I was a poor substitute for her. But you never made me feel like that. I knew that you respected me, for me. I love you Martouf. I'm sorry it wasn't the kind of love you wanted from me. I'll miss you." Sam took the sheet and pulled in over him.

 

Jack O'Neill stepped out of the shadows as Sam left the infirmary. He glanced through the open door to where Martouf lay waiting for the Tok'ra honor guard to take him home to Vorash. Even though he'd been there, he still couldn't believe Martouf had died. As he'd watched Sam cradling his body, he'd kept thinking that Marty would open his eyes. Even after Janet had come and confirmed he was dead, he'd kept hoping. Because he knew, that Martouf's death would haunt Sam for the rest of her life.

Damn Tok'ra, he thought. Marty's death was a senseless waste. He was one of them. One of the good guys, hell he'd practically been a member of SG1. He'd proven his loyalty to the Tauri long ago. He had been on of the few Tok'ra Jack had trusted.

Jack walked into the infirmary and stood looking down at the shrouded body. "Sorry man," he murmured, "You deserved better." He hadn't always been very nice to Martouf, he thought. He'd let his jealousy get the better of him on more than one occasion. "You didn't deserve that either. I'm sorry."

He stuffed his hands in his pockets. "I know you cared about her, that you probably loved her. I can understand that; she's lovable. I was always afraid that Jolinar's memories were gonna push her into your arms. Stupid of me I guess. That was the reason she didn't fall for you, ya know, Jolinar. Sam was never sure if you cared about her, or about Jolinar. I could have told her it was her."

He grinned. "But I wasn't about to give you an edge. It's not like I can stand the competition. I love her. She knows that now. Damn fool machine of Anise's. I didn't exactly tell her I loved her, but that's what I meant. She loves me too, that's the hell of it. It was easier when I didn't know. We can't be together. Not now. Maybe not ever."

Jack stood up. "I'm real sorry about this Martouf. I'll miss you. You were one of the good guys." He turned and walked out of the infirmary pulling the door closed behind him.

 

Sam stood in the deserted control room looking down at the empty gate room. She couldn't bear to sit alone in her quarters; she knew she wouldn't be able to sleep anyway. Not that the control room was a better a place to sit alone in, but she found comfort in the hum of the machinery.

In her mind, she kept seeing that awful scene in the gate room. The terror in Martouf's eyes the sound of him begging her to kill him.

Sam closed her eyes. She would never be able to forget the look on his face when the first blast hit him. The plea in his eyes for her to fire that second shot. The sound of the weapon discharging, the disbelief on Daniel's face. Would she ever be able to walk into that room and not see the pain and bloodshed of today?

"Sam?"

She turned and saw Janet standing behind her. "Janet." She turned back to the gate room as Janet crossed the room and stopped beside her.

"You had no choice Sam."

"Is that all I have to tell myself, Janet?" Sam asked, "that I had no choice? I killed a man today, a man I cared about. He wasn't the enemy; he was my friend."

"Martouf was your friend, Sam." Janet said, "but we both know that it wasn't Martouf down there today, not really. He wasn't the man we knew and cared about; he was under the control of his programming. He was a victim of Gou'ald and so were you."

"So that's it, I blame the Gou'ald? That absolves me. Sorry Janet, but I don't think so." Sam grimaced. "I'd like to be alone if you don't mind."

"I'm not sure that's a good idea. Sam. You've been through a lot today and--"

"I'm fine." Sam turned and grasped Janet's hands. "I'm not suicidal Janet, I promise.

"I didn't say you were," Janet said.

Sam turned away from Janet again. ''I just need to be alone; I need to think things out."

Janet put her hand on Sam's shoulder. " It could help if you talked about what happened.''

Sam turned to look at her ''What's to talk about? I killed Martouf. Period." Janet flinched. "I'm sorry, Janet, I'm still not sure how to deal with what happened, but talking isn't what I need just now."

"Okay,'' Janet said, finally, "I'll let it ride for now," she started toward the stairs, "But Sam, we will talk about this when you're ready. Call me, no matter what time of the day or night."

"I will, Janet. And Janet, thank you."

 

"Major Carter is not there."

Jack turned to see Teal'c standing behind him. "Damn it, Teal'c, why are you skulking around Carter's quarters?"

"I am not skulking, O'Neill. I was on my way to my own quarters when I encountered you."

"Then how do you know she isn't here?"

"I saw Major Carter going toward the embarkation room," Teal'c answered. "Then I overheard Doctor Fraiser tell Daniel Jackson that Major Carter was in the control room."

"Okay." Jack started toward the control room.

"Doctor Fraiser told Daniel Jackson that Major Carter wished to be left alone. In fact she threatened to harm Daniel Jackson if he disturbed the Major." Teal'c said as he blocked the Colonel's way.

"I'll bet she did. I'm not gonna disturb Carter; I just want to make sure she's okay."

"She is not."

"And you know this how?"

"Major Carter has had what you call a "tough day." Therefore it is quite improbable that she is okay."

Jack looked up at Teal'c. "I know she had a tough day, Teal'c. I was there. I just need to make sure she's all right."

Teal'c didn't move. "I know that you care a great deal for Major Carter, O'Neill. However, since one of the events that has added to her tough day was the incident involving you, I do not see how your presence could help her."

"She's hurting, Teal'c. She shouldn't have to deal with this alone."

"And you believe you are the correct person to help Major Carter deal with the events of this day?"

"No," Jack admitted. "I'm probably not the right person for the job. But I'm the only person for the job."

"I believe I understand, O'Neill." Teal'c said. "However I will accompany you to the control room."

"You don't need to do that, Teal'c."

"Yes I do," the Jaffa answered. It was not, in his opinion, a very good idea for Colonel O'Neill to go to Major Carter tonight. He had known that the feelings they held for each other had long ago changed from friendship to affection. He did not understand why this had caused them such pain. Nor did he understand the Tauri rules that prevented them from expressing that affection. But there were many things I do not understand about the Tauri, he thought as he walked beside Colonel O'Neill

 

Jack stood at the top of the stairs watching Sam as she starred at the silent Stargate. A voice in his head was screaming that this was a bad idea, but he couldn't let her go through this alone. Both of them had lost a friend and they should grieve together, remembering the good times and toasting the heroics of that friend. It pissed him off that he felt like they couldn't, like they shouldn't share their grief.

It wouldn't be a problem if it hadn't been for that damned Tok'ra, Anise, and her stupid machine, he thought angrily.

If they hadn't been forced to confront their feelings and admit how much they cared about each other, they'd still feel free to support and comfort each other. He didn't feel any differently about her than he had two days ago, but now that she knew and he knew everything was screwed up.

A sob drew his attention back to Sam, standing alone at the bottom of the stairway. He winced in sympathetic pain as he watched her shoulders shake as she wept.

Without thinking, he walked across the room and touched her on the shoulder.

Sam jumped at the touch and turned around. "S-s-sorry Sir, I thought I was alone."

"You have nothing to be sorry about, Carter. You lost a friend today, I'd be more worried if you didn't cry."

"T-t-thank you, sir." She bit her lip to try to stop the trembling. "I just can't seem to stop, every time I do I-I- Damn."

Jack smiled at her and walked over to the buffet that held coffee carafes and water pitchers. He snagged a napkin and handed it to her. "Here." He watched silently as she wiped her eyes.

"Sam."

She glanced up at him. "Yes, Sir?"

"I'm sorry about Martouf. I didn't get a chance to tell you that earlier. I know he meant a lot to you."

"He was a good friend."

"Yeah, he was; he'll be missed." Jack stood beside her and looked down at the Stargate. "He died an honorable death, fighting for a cause he believed in."

Sam looked at him. "Do you really believe that or are you trying to make me feel better?"

"I'm trying to make me feel better," he answered. "But I believe it too. I'd like to think he died a heroes death."

"Janet said I had no choice, that I shouldn't feel guilty. I want to believe her, but it's not easy."

"Janet's right, you had no choice. I know that doesn't make it any easier for you. But would losing him have been any easier if someone else had killed Martouf, or worse, if you'd had to watch while he killed himself? He would have, you know, if you hadn't fired on him."

"No," Sam answered.

"Afraid not.'' Jack said.

"I blame myself," she said, softly. "If I hadn't felt the way I did about him…about Jolinar and him…I might… "

"Might what? he asked.

Sam shrugged. "I don't know," she said, "There's no easy answer is there?"

Jack glowered in the direction of the Gate. ''If you have to blame someone Sam, blame me.

"Blame you for what?" she asked.

"I'm just saying if there is any blame we all share in it. Anise could have had him tested, Persus and the President could have canceled the treaty signing, I could have anticipated the worst case scenario or, I could have spared you the guilt by killing Martouf myself."

"You were trying to save his life, Sir."

"That's right, and so were you; it just wasn't meant to be. My dad would have said it was his time to go." He put an arm around her shoulder. "Come on Carter, I'll walk you home."

 

After he walked Janet back to the infirmary, Daniel went into the morgue. He crossed the room and looked down at the still figure on the gurney.

He hadn't known Martouf very well. He knew that Sam had liked and respected him and that Jack, who hadn't really liked him, had listened to him. He had been a good ally to them, a good man. He shouldn't have died.

"I'm sorry Martouf," he whispered. "You deserved better; you shouldn't have died like this. You were a good friend and a good ally."

Daniel glanced around. "Anise says your death was a honorable one. I don't know about that. How can any death that was such a waste be called honorable?

You had so much more to give. You'll be missed." With a sad smile Daniel walked across the room, turned off the light, closed the door and wandered aimlessly down the corridor, finally stopping at the commissary. Settling into a corner table, he sipped the hot black coffee. Given the late hour, the commissary was all but deserted.

Damn it, he thought, this shouldn't have happened. When the Sergeant had come and told him that Jack wanted him to get Martouf out of the room he'd hesitated for just a moment before he'd walked over to Martouf and told him that Jack and Sam needed to see him. Then General Hammond and the fake president had come down the corridor. And all hell had broken loose. What had started as a fairly simple negotiation had ended with blood and tears?

If he'd moved faster, if the General had walked slower, if Anise had seen fit to test all the Tok'ra, Martouf wouldn't have died. If Martouf hadn't died, Sam wouldn't be torn apart by guilt. If Martouf hadn't died the Tok'ra- Tauri alliance would have had another strong Tok'ra supporter. If, if, if. Daniel rubbed his eyes and took another swallow of his coffee; it tasted bitter.

 

Teal'c stood outside the infirmary for a long time after Daniel Jackson had left. He had seen men die in battle with Gou'ald; he had killed them himself in the service of Aphosis. But he had never seen one man's death affect so many. The death of this one man had upset the balance of the Tauri Tok'ra alliance. It had shaken the SGC to the core. It had caused great pain and grief for Major Carter.

He knew that Major Carter was suffering much guilt over her part in the death of Martouf. He did not understand this. She did what needed to be done, he thought. She had done what Martouf himself asked her to do. Yet, she was feeling guilt regarding her actions. Teal'c understood guilt. He himself felt much guilt over many of his actions as the First Prime of Aphosis. He had committed many heinous acts in the name of that false god. But Major Carter should not feel guilty about her actions today. Of that, he was certain.

Any guilt for the death of Martouf should Anise's. Had it never occurred to the woman that Tanith could be the Gou'ald who had implanted the device in Martouf? She had been negligent in not having Martouf tested as a Zatarc and she was still negligent in not having herself tested as well.

As far as Teal'c was concerned her belief that there was no situation that could put her in danger was not only arrogant, it was also foolish. Such an attitude could be dangerous for the Tauri and fatal for the Tok'ra. For all that the Tok'ra embodied good as the Gou'ald embodied evil, the Tok'ra were as arrogant as their enemy. Teal'c prayed fervently that their egotism would not destroy the Tok'ra even as it surely would one day, provide for the destruction of the Gou'ald.

He walked slowly into the room to stand beside the dead man. On Chulak, the deceased were not left alone in an empty room, they were surrounded by family and friends and if they were high ranking officials, an honor guard. He had no knowledge of the customs of Martouf's people, but tonight he would stand guard in his honor.

He deserved more, Teal'c thought. But was the least he could do for him. He would make sure Martouf was remembered for his part in the fight against the false gods.

Teal'c spoke softly. "I will see your name is an honored one among the Jaffa. You were a brave warrior and an honorable man Martouf. You fought well and died a martyr's death. I shall miss you." Then he clasped his hands and bowed his head.

 

The End

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